My son asked why I always tell him we're leaving in five minutes but we don't leave for twenty

I looked him dead in the eye and said, "Five minutes is the warning shot."

The first five gets you off the couch. The second five gets your shoes on the wrong feet. The third five is me finding my keys. The fourth five is you remembering you need to pee.

Punchline

We're not late, buddy. We're on time for the schedule I actually planned.

You just thought the countdown started at zero.